Sleeping Under Erotic Art

So it's been awhile...how are you? I have been rather busy going here and there and generally sleeping far too much. But hey, I've been on vacation, and one has to make the most of time off, right? Right?? That's better. So I wanted to share an interesting vacation story because anyone who knows me knows that I cannot travel without something strange and/or painful happening to me. The dark cloud of travel just hangs over me, unfortunately.

So my friend Reedsy and I went on a cruise to Mexico. Her gracious husband decided to give her a getaway with a friend, and I was honored to be "the friend" in this scenario! Woo hoo! So we have a rather uneventful drive to our port and get ourselves on the ship. We were a bit dismayed to find that our cabin sported bunk beds though. But hey, it's not like we were lesbo lovers on our civil union honeymoon, so I took the top bunk since Reedsy has the bladder the size of a pea. After our first night on the ship, we had returned from dinner to our cabin. As I exited the bathroom, I could see that Reedsy was peering curiously at the painting that was above my top bunk bed. I only noticed it was some kind of gawdy-colored abstract but never studied it closely. The following conversation ensued:

Reedsy: Hey Sassy...um, look more closely at this picture. What does that look like to you?
Sassy: It's ugly as shit.
Reedsy: No, I know. But LOOK at it...
Sassy: Holy shit! That's vag!
Reedsy: I KNOW!! I knew I wasn't crazy!
Sassy: OMG...I've been sleeping under vagina...and wait, look at that!
Reedsy: What?
Sassy: THAT is an abstract man with a huge penis! And there's splooge!! In her hand! See it?? Holy shit!
Reedsy: OMG! What the hell?? It is!!
Sassy: We have abstract erotic art...penis and vag!!
(continued with deep gut laughter and a few "ewwws")
Sassy: We gotta get a picture!
Reedsy: Read my mind..I'm on it!

Here's the painting:




Yes, dear friends, I slept under erotic abstract art that week. In reflecting on what was an altogether fanfuckingtastic time, I still have a few questions for Carnival Cruiselines, however.

1. Could the bathrooms be any smaller? I mean, you couldn't move from the shitter to the shower without hitting your midsection on the sink. WTF?

2. Why the hell was alcohol so fucking expensive? I felt like one drink was $35. It's not like you're the Sky Bar or something! Get over yourselves! Duty-free my ass!

3. I understand the conundrum it must be to decide how to decorate an entire cruise ship. I mean, why go with a nautical theme when you can adorn the walls of your cabins with abstract porn? Is this REALLY where the built in gratuity went?? Who was your decorator: Larry Flynt circa 1982?

So, despite all of that, I thoroughly enjoyed snorkeling, horseback riding, rock climbing, ziplining, and rappelling....and some great quality time with my friend Reedsy. Plus, we had some great dinner companions from Chicago and Louisiana. Loved those two families! And our dining room staff performed quite well each night. And hey, we did get ourselves a bit tipsy in Cozumel. (Damn that Senor Frog and Jimmy Buffet) Unfortunately, the last day at sea I also fried my front side like a bad piece of fucking bacon...so bad so that just this past Monday did I finally stop peeling (3 weeks after the return and the second peeling)...despite the fact that I used 50 spf as my dermatologist insisted! Friends, did you know there is such a thing as "sun poisoning"? Me, I did not. However, it seemed strange to me that my sunscreen kept me safe all through our excursions in the sun and on the beach, yet the last day it did an epic fucking fail. Here's hoping that I don't get that imminent skin cancer that my negative ass dermatologist insists will happen to my fair-skinned, light-eyed self. All in all, I had a great time though!

Thanks again, Reedsy! xoxo

When I get a chance, I have few other stories to tell about what I've seen and heard...

Barbie and Jasper Cullen (with a lil boob on the side)

A couple of weeks ago, one of my oldest friends came out so that we could have a good old-fashioned girls night. We had made a plan to see this band called 100 Monkeys, of which one of its members is Jackson Rathbone aka Jasper Cullen from the movie "Twilight". Now, I'd never heard of them prior to her pointing me their way, but I was excited nonetheless. So we first view art at this gallery (art show was Mr. Rathbone's sister's), and then we headed to the upstairs of the art gallery where we were up close and personal in a rather intimate show with the band. I was rather impressed! We later hit up a pub where they were playing a midnight show, and this is where things get weird for ole Sassy and Reedsy (friend). So let me set the scene: It's a very warm, very humid night in Big D. A/C in Texas is a must, people! It's fucking hot, and you feel as if you are melting once you step outside the cool oasis that is central air conditioning. As we are sitting in this room that must have doubled for a fucking sweatbox torture hole with no ventilation sweating our asses off, Reedsy decides she'll grab the first round of beers. Now, while she's gone, I take a seat on this lounge chair thingy next to these two young women. As I am sitting there with steam coming off my body from the level of heat and lack of air, I hear one say to the other, "Oh no! You are SO much hotter!" I stifle a laugh because as I turn to look their way, I make eye contact with one of them who I swear looks just like a Barbie doll, down to her platinum blonde hair and flawless skin. Both are dressed in skintight pants and very low cut tops, but Barbie's boobies are fucking perfect! They aren't freakishly large or anything crazy like that though. It's unreal, and so I quickly make the determination that they are indeed fake boobies, and that she and her friend are most likely strippers.

Now, as is how it always goes with me, these ladies start talking to me, first about the band and what I know about them, and then about themselves. So I decided to ask them questions. I first ask if they are from the Dallas area, to which they both say no. "Chrissy" is from Ohio originally, and Barbie is from Houston. However, they've both just arrived in town today from Midland. I ask if they are living there for work or for school, to which they answer, "Oh, we work there." I reply, "Oh, so what do you guys do?" *Crickets* The two girls just look at each other with more than a bit of reticence. I mean, the pause was definitely one that you would refer to as a "pregnant pause". So I lean in conspiratorially and say, "Y'all are strippers, aren't you?" Barbie breaks out in a huge smile and says, "YES! But we prefer the term "dancers". How did you know?" I explained that the boobies gave it away. So ensued a conversation of about how it was the best investment she ever made, and that she and her friend bank about $200,000 a year "dancing". WTF? I have two degrees and $35K in student loans, and these bitches are pulling in $200K for taking their clothes off? Where is the justice in that, I ask?! About this time, Reedsy returns with the beers and hears the course of my conversation with Barbie and Chrissy. I lean in and tell her that Barbie's stage name is "Malibu", and that they pull in some major coin doing what they do. She replies, "You meet THE most interesting people, Sassy!" Then Barbie launches into the fact that she wants to sleep with Jackson Rathbone, or any of the guys because they are quasi-famous, they drove all the way down here, yada, yada, yada. Then she goes back to her boobs and that I should feel them. Pardon me? I tell her, I don't think so. She says, "But they aren't hard like other types of boob jobs, come on, feel 'em!" At this point she grabs my hand and puts it on her left boob...so I squeeze a little. Damned if they didn't FEEL REAL, people! Several friends have had boob jobs, and they always want you to feel them. (Yes, gentlemen, we cop a feel of each other in private sometimes...but it's totally innocuous you fucking pervs!). Anywho, I exclaim, "They DO feel real!" Barbie leans in, gives me a wink, and says, "That's because I got silicone not saline. Silicone tits feel real. Here, feel the other one!" Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that there were a few gentlemen that had gone from trying to just glance over at Barbie to outright staring as I copped a feel. So,I let her know that I can't cop another feel of her in public, so she laughs and goes off on some other tangent about how smart she is, the options she had after high school, and why she chose to become a "dancer". Yeah. Right.

So to end the night, we did get to talk to a few of the band members, but Mr. Rathbone was not talking to anyone other than his family that was there. So, we left and headed home. All in all, it was a top night. We got some great pictures, heard some great tunes, and met a real live Malibu Barbie. Plus, I got a little more action than I bargained for. All I know is, when I go for the new boobs, I'm totally getting the silicone. Ladies and gentlemen, I shit you not, they felt like the real deal.

**BTW Barbie was stunningly beautiful...with or without the fake boobies. She truly looked like a Barbie doll. She was sweet if not a bit shallow. I really have no judgment about strippers though. Live and let live, I say...

Shitty Neighbors Who Can Suck It!

Hello All! I've been very busy as of late trying to get my shit unpacked at the new place...which I love! Lots more room and a great big yard. I got new furniture, a new washer and dryer, and I'm closing in on my 2nd full week of being here. Which leads me to the latest bullshit. 

As you are aware, I have four small dogs. Now, I've lived several places with these animals, and I have never had anyone complain about them. I try to keep them in line. Recently, I had a visit from the 5-0 regarding a complaint about barking dogs. Of course, this complaint was vague, and I really don't think it was my dogs they were referring to, mostly because one of them had his vocal cords cut, two are old and not easily excitable, but there is one that can be a barker. However, my dogs mainly stay inside, and they aren't barking up a storm at one another. This I know for a fact! Perhaps now is the time I should mention that other than my neighbors who share the other side of the duplex, I am surrounded by people who own dogs. The lady next door in a different duplex has two barky dogs. The people behind me have a rather large dog that barks DAY AND NIGHT. So I find it difficult to believe that, in the short time I've been living here, it is my ONE little dog that is bothering anyone. So I asked the cop to tell me who made the complaint. He refused. I reminded him that I was pretty sure it was public information. He did not take that well. Needless to say, I just let it go. He was a complete dicksmack about the whole thing. Give me a fucking break...a dog that barks is that serious? I can't slap a silencer on my baby all the time...I mean there are times when she's gonna bark. Having said this, I KNOW she doesn't bark or howl or anything like that all day or night. How do I know? My former landlady remarked constantly how she didn't even know the dogs were there most of the time...and my little place sat directly behind her house where we shared the backyard. Shit, I could open my back door and see her bedroom windows.  But I digress. My immediate neighbors next door seem really nice, but the guy does work at night, so I hope it's not him complaining. At the very least, they simply could have come over and told me about it rather than call the fucking cops and report me for noise. Yeah...we're just a house full of party animals out here in Mayberry. Motherfuckers.

So, to you shitty, fucktard neighbors:

Kiss my big white ass and go suck it! You want complete peace and quiet, move out to the back 40 and get out of Mayberry proper. And don't worry, I drove by all the above mentioned places and took down your fucking addresses. The next bark I hear, I'm calling the Po Po on your hillbilly, white trash, small town asses. Mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns. Oh...and kiss my ass!

*I'm so pissed!

Evidently, I'm a 13 yr. old Girl and Boy

So I'm packing a bit today. Yep, Sassy's on the move again. No, I'm not going anywhere other than moving into bigger digs and Mayberry proper. Please hold your applause.

Anywho, I have been packing, and I decided to start with my CD and DVD collections. As I was packing them up, I noticed that I have rather eclectic tastes in music and movies. Mostly, however, I just noticed that I seem to have the same titles in each collection as a 13 yr old teenager might have. Now I use the word teenager because I don't really know I could specify gender if pressed here. You wouldn't believe the crap I have (that I absolutely LOVE) in my collection. Yes, of course I still have my Culture Club's Greatest Hits. I mean, who doesn't? But I also have other examples of great music such as Spice World, The Chronic, and Shaggy. Movies? Well, there's "Dude, Where's My Car?", all the "Saw" movies, "Wayne's World", "Mortal Kombat", "The Fast and the Furious", well you get the picture. (By the way, I saw "Fast and Furious" this afternoon at the theater....Vin Diesel and Paul Walker? Rawhr!).

So, I'm thinking I should give away some of these musical and theatrical gems. I mean, I'm a grown woman, right? Ass sphincter says what??

It's Official....

I dropped a small fortune today for my sister's birthday gift, which also happens to make me very, very happy. July 24th at the Superpages.com Center (lame name), we will be all about these boys:



Although her birthday's April 15th, these guys don't come to Big D until July. Great seats and will try to score the backstage passes next! *SIGH* I love them...

Damn, I Love This Song

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head? Well, do you? I've been playing this song nonstop in the car for a solid 2 friggin' weeks yet I am still love, love, lovin' it! So if you see me pointing and singing in the car, you can almost guarantee that I'm either singing this song or my T.I./J.Timberlake "Dead and Gone". I'm stuck on these, bitches!

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Wait, I’m wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I’ll be strong
I’m finding it hard to resist
So show me what I’m looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for…oh lord

Don’t let go
I’ve wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I’ve learned to love abuse
Please show me what I’m looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for…oh lord

Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I’m wrong
I can’t do better than this
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for…oh lord

Seriously, I think if you showed up on my doorstep with a guitar, I'd jump on you without even asking if you actually knew how to play it. Boys with guitars...*SIGH* Show me what I'm looking for indeed...RAWRH! (Band's name is Carolina Liar that sings the song above)

*I am wondering these days if I should have been a groupie in my younger days...but now that would be just sad. I mean, leather pants are so uncomfortable, and my boobs are real.

I'm Getting Her on Facebook Next!

Hi All...short post today just to introduce you to a new blogger. My little sister has finally made it into the 21st century and started blogging. She went with Wordpress, which I guess is okay, but somehow I feel a bit betrayed. I mean, if Blogger is good enough for me, what gives with her going behind my back to Wordpress?? Ah well, you can only teach 'em so much, eh? Seriously though, please visit her! If she thinks people are reading, she'll actually keep up with it! She wrote a sweet post about yours truly. I'm still on my vacation, so I'm keeping this short! I'll be back with maybe a sad but true childhood trauma soon!

Now...if I can just get her on Facebook, my mission will be complete!